redefining my mediating role

[Double trouble]

I suddenly realized I have placed myself in a major mediator position between the girls, and not in a good way. I mean, I don’t ask them to share stuff they're playing with that the other one wants to play with to - never have, don't believe in 'sharing' by force - but I have enforced respecting of turns, and by doing so, I became the one they turned to when the other was doing something they didn’t like, instead of them working through it on their own with minimal help or mediation from me.

But I realized I was basically a step short…or a step too much?...compared to where I wanted to be. For example. Let’s say Leona’s playing with a red car, and Eliana tries to grab it. Leona would tell Eliana “It’s still my turn, I’m not finished!”, and of course Eliana wouldn’t listen, so Leona would turn to me and restate her facts. I would then block Eliana’s hand and say something along the lines of: “Leona is not finished yet, I can’t let you grab it. I see how badly you want it. You are upset you don’t get to take it. You can have it when she is finished.”

Eliana would do the same, if she was into something and Leona came and tried to butt in, Eliana would look at me, and I would ‘mediate’ to make sure Eliana could continue until she felt she was finished.

It made sense for me, that I needed to take on this role, as Eliana can’t hold her position against Leona, being as much smaller as she is, as well as that she couldn’t understand the concept of turn-taking yet so wouldn’t respect Leona’s limits.

But this made me the turn-to person rather than them working things out, obviously. So, I realized I needed to switch things up, turn them towards each other (not ‘against each other’!) and trust in their capabilities.

Now, when Leona tells me she is not finished, I ask her to tell Eliana. Sometimes she wants me to tell her, but I gently hold my ground. And I try to just neutrally confirm what’s going on (so doing it a step earlier rather than mediating and narrating that). “You both want the car. Leona took it from you [Eliana], you are not happy about that.” Or, yesterday they were reading the same book, and Leona wanted to read ahead, while Eliana didn’t (it was a cardboard-paged book, so non-rippable, this is key), and they were tugging back and forth a bit, keeping their hands on the pages or trying to force the pages to be turned, and I saw Eliana really able to hold her ground. And I sportscasted the standard “You both want to read the book. Leona, you want to turn the pages, you are getting frustrated that Eliana isn’t letting you.” Etc. And suddenly Leona found the solution. She told Eliana she was just going to turn the pages ‘like this’ (so they were pointing straight up), and this way they were both able to look at the pages they wanted to look at. And suddenly they were giggling and had made a game out of it, somehow.

I am finding this to be a recurring theme. They are figuring it out, and it often ends in them playing together. Not always, but often. It is so exciting, and uber facinating.

The above changes were light-bulbed after I read this article by Janet Lansbury Share… Wait your turn… Don’t touch… Playdate rules that limit learning (and what to try instead), which really got me to this article: Sibling conflicts: Guest post solutions from Lisa Sunbury.

So here’s to no more turn-taking, and instead the girls growing their relationship and problem solving/negotiating abilities, with me right by their side coaching them along and jumping in when necessary – with a new concept of what ‘necessary’ means.

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