at around 12 weeks

I may be at 12 weeks today...may also just be at 11.5 or already at 13 - not that it really matters or makes a difference seeing as the expected birth time is so fluid and uncertain anyhow. But it is a bit unnerving for this girl who loves to count to not be able to count my weeks as securly as I did last time (not that it was necessarily accurate that time either, but I at least was under the illusion it was).

Anyhow, I am finding this pregnancy very different than the first. For one, I don't feel pregnant in the same way I did last time, and I think it's because of all the ultrasounds I took in Taiwan - by around 12 weeks I had taken 1 because I was spotting, 1 after I had had a severe fever, 1 for my 8 week check-up and 1 for my 12 week check-up. That's four times to see the baby and perhaps three or four times to hear the heart beat. Somehow all that visual and audio connecting helped me connect more in the head and heart too, I think.

This time, though we have had an early ultrasound and I have already been to my first pregnancy check-up, and have felt way worse than I did last time, I still don't 'feel' pregnant. I have not started looking for baby names (or, rather, I had gone through an app I had downloaded and marked several interesting girl names...not all because they were potentials but some just because they were pretty darn hillarious...like Aikeel or something like that, all I could thing of was 'I kiiiiiill you' in a stupid accent), but when Leona wiped my iPhone clean, I lost the umph. Plus I think I will just wait until Jan 3rd when we have our scheduled 'high level' ultrasound and hopefully find out if we're having a girl or a boy, as then I can focus on just one gender (and if when the babe is born it turns out we were wrong, we can just look for a name then, no rush).

I think part of it may also be due to this being the 2nd time around. I feel I already gathered all the information I need regarding pregnancy and birth last time, I know what is important to me and what I want to focus on, etc. And even regarding giving birth here in Tromsø, I am just waiting to meet with the midwife - maybe even the 2nd or 3rd time, to discuss the options here (have done a tiny bit of preliminary searching). A home birth is very tempting, because I have a feeling there is no birthing centre as nice as the one we gave birth at in Taiwan, don't think there is a water-birth option here, and then there is Leona, who I would like to be around during the birth (though if it is as long and intense as last time it may not be the best idea as she needs a lot of focus as well).

Anyhow, all that is for later days' thinking and figuring out.

[Peaceful contemplation]

.