the "death" talk

As mentioned, we are living in the house my grandparents built in the mid-1980's and lived in until they passed away. Since my mom hasn't moved back here yet, she's just slowly been going through things when she's here during vacations, giving things away that are still potentially desirable for others, throwing things away that need to be thrown, packing some stuff into boxes - especially after we came as 'things on tables and shelves' are not ideal with two little kidlets running around. Most of the big things (furniture, paintings and pictures on the walls, wallpaper and other interior stuff like that), however, are still in a good enough condition that there is no rush to start looking at whether or not they will be switched out. Except for the carpet in the livingroom. She got that done a while back.

Anyways, because there are photos up on the walls of my grandparents and great grandparents and various collages of photos of me when I was younger and the extended family, Leona knows who her great grandparents are in the pictures and that they used to live here. That means we've had to have a mention about death, that they are not here anymore physically. I've kept it simple.

Now, another benefit of living in Norway is the lack of bugs. I don't have a sense of dread every time I turn on the light in the bathroom or kitchen or open the door under the sink where we throw away our 'wet' (food) garbage, and I can safely stick my hand into the dark dry pantry cupboard without looking. There are no cockroaches, scorpions, rats, mice or snakes. (OK, so Norway does have rats and mice, but thankfully not in our home, as we have had in Taiwan and as I have had in Vancouver and Maui). I am in heaven.

There are flies though. And a lot of them. Well, relatively. Maybe an average of five or six dispersed throughout a 'heavy' day. So we have a fly swatter. Leone and Eliana love it. Excitedly point the flies out for us to swat, sometimes try the swatter themselves (though Eliana not so much for hitting flies, more bending against her face...mmmm), and Leona is as satisfied as Judge is when a fly is wacked.

One day, a while back, Leona was sitting perched on the back of the couch by the window and started pointing to the balcony saying there was a bird there. I nodded and said "You see a bird?" thinking it was just jumping around and would fly off soon. It didn't, and she was wanting me to come look at it. So I came over, and saw that it was a dead bird, laying there.

[birds often crash into the windows due to the reflection in them when it is cloudy, making the front wall of the house look like it's just a continuation of outside]

We walked out to the bird, me with some newspaper in my hand, and started to explain to Leona that it had crashed into the window and broken its neck. "Did he cry because he was injured?" No, I don't think so. "He can fly again later?" No, he's dead, so he will never move or fly again. I was mentally preparing for a big talk about death now, this being her first real encounter with it face-to-face. I envisioned us going out and digging a hole together, laying the bird gently down into it, picking some flowers to lay on the grave, and all that goes with the sadness of a life lost. "The bird is dead?" Yes. Matter-of-factly, with her usual 'light hearted' inflection: "Like the flies?" Me, surprised: "...yes." And that was that. She was content with her understanding of the situation. Kind of like 'Such is life'.

She walked with me outside - my plan was still to bury the bird. But then I saw a a bracket of trees off a little slope behind the house, and I said to Leona that it was like a hole (it was) and I just unceremoniously tossed the bird there, so that nature could take its course and return it unto itself.

And that was that. Next time we passed the tossing place she said "It is like a hole. We threw the bird there. It couldn't move anymore. It didn't cry though. It died." Yes, yes it did.


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Eliana @ almost 14 months

[diligently, concentratedly working on their 'computer with a phone' as Leona calls them....when you're just used to mobile phones and 'transformers' - tablet with detachable keyboard - then that makes total sense)

Eliana has grown so much! Not in height and weight, but in everything else. She's a total character.

The day after Eliana turned 13 months old was the last day she was a crawler. It happened that fast. One day, mainly crawling, but with "I am now going to walk" mission moments. Walking for the joy of walking. The next, she crawled once, for a short distance only, the rest all walking. And that was that.

This is where having two kids becomes so much fun, because it was quite different with Leona, who would just walk short distances, not, it appeared, because she wanted to walk but as a means of transportation ... to get somewhere or to get something, if you catch the difference. It was like it wasn't a conscious choice, but more because it was convenient right then. So she didn't have this big change from one day to the next, but walking was a more gradual osmosis into her life, and it wasn't until she was about 15 months old I think, that she was really a walker. Being able to experience such differences in personality is such a hoot!

She has 14 or 15 teeth broken through (!!). This is an insane amount for me, as again the difference from Leona is huge - if I remember correctly she had two until she was about 15 months old (seems like 'until she was about 15 months old' is a trend here...that was a big month for her!).

She can (still?) say:

• papa - a breathed/whispered papa, not a vocal one
• mama - for me, Leona, my mom....anyone not papa
• good night (n' nai) - says it to the gro-clock when we say good night to the sun and the star comes out before bed
• borte (gone)
• tittei (here I am)
• neineineineinei (with a cheeky smile and emphatic shake of head) - nonononono

She can still sign the following, though those that were in 'transition' are all more solidified now:

• nurse
• drink water
• eat/hungry
• 'please give that to me'
• go down
• pee
• sleep (go to sleep)
• bye bye/hello (waving)
• emphatic agreement/confirming answer to your question

Her new ones are:

• 'please help me put these pants/shorts on'
• brush teeth (hers is very similar to her 'eat')
• 'I bonked my head'
• book (she claps rather than does opening/closing of a book with your hands...where your hands are the book)
• dog
• cat (still the cute inverse cat compared to what we do)
• chicken/rooster
• duck ('milk' sign while saying 'dadada'...I do a duck with my hand (kermit the frog?) and say quack quack quack)
• sheep (I say 'bææææææ' with a stutter on the æ, she says a breathy baaaa)
• horse (super cute...I will catch it on tape soon I hope) 
• monkey:

• pig (we do pig by putting our fist up to our nose and kind of doing a 'boo hoo' move (you know, like when you want to make fun of someone when you're a kid and you put your fists to your eyes, 'rub' them and say 'boo hoo, cry me a river' or whatnot), and breath in and out of our nose loudly) 

[pig]

• rabbit (we put our and on our head and do 'quotation marks' towards the front)
• cow (we do a 'moooo' with our pointer-fingers as horns)
• donkey (I do a 'donkey kick' with my pointer and middle fingers and say 'ee (high)-ah (low)') 

 

[rabbit, cow, donkey]

She has a few other ones in the works as well.

She loves to talk on the phone (usually a remote control).

She is very good at trying to not let Leona - or us - take stuff from her that she wants to keep (hunkers over it and turns away, not looking at us).

LOVES climbing the ladder up to the 'top bunk' of the new bed we just bought Leona.

Loves the feeling of her stuffed animal against her cheek/face (can calm her to sleep...sometimes).

Loves butterfly kisses ... will stick her palm on my eye for me to do it...often so hard it is impossible for me to blink.

Not into sitting in her high chair to eat, but if we would let her would much prefer wandering around while munching away.

Does not get into containers as much as she used to.

Loves to put other people's shoes on.

Has the cutest 'luring' (Norwegian, kind of mischevious) smile there is.

Actually wanted to go on the swing the other day, for the first time ever (previously very against it, also very against me going on a swing as well).

Likes to pinch Leona sometimes, pull her hair a bit, and hit her or me or Judge. Leona is sometimes super patient about it, and sometimes...not. But she has never pinched or hit back. We never went through this stage with Leona actually, so it's new

Loves tailing after Leona, playing with her or at least trying to get what Leona has.

There is so much fun, joy and awesomeness with this girl! She lights up our life. They both do.


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loom-inuation

Unfortunately because of my chosen material, the top bar kept loosening a little and spinning down, making the strings looser as well. This, of course, was not something Leona felt bummed about. At. All.:

I wish I had recorded a longer clip on my camera (I cut over to record on Instagram, but with my Window's phone it is a usually-miss deal ... upload error, and so I lose all the good clips. Arg), but this gives you an idea. She was singing like this and working on the loom for ages.

[Her finished work (she stood there for a good couple minutes monologuing)]

I tried first to just add an extra nail, but that wasn't working for me. So I got some triangle blocks from her toy stash and hammered them to the top corners as stabilizers. Or, one of them I should say. Those little suckers are made of some hard wood! The nails kept bending, so for the other corner I found a piece of kindling and nailed it in place. These beautifications detract from the overall look, but function over fashion I say. Plus, don't think the girls will think any less of it.

She calls it a gate, I think because it reminds her of the baby proofing gates we have around the house (as seen tucked away against the wall in the background below), which she also doesn't hesitate to tie things to, needless to say.

[I fixed half the string, Leona fixed the other half]

 

 

 

 

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summer vacation 2014

My mom just left, after spending five weeks with us. It has been grand!

She drove down from Tromsø, about 1800km or so, just so she could bring down all our stuff that we had stored up there as well as so that we would have a car at our disposal while she was here. What a mom eh!

So we have had immense freedom these five weeks, getting to visit a lot of places we haven't had a chance to visit earlier.

We went up into Innvik Valley for a picnic:

We went up to the end of the neighboring village's valley where there's a glacier at the end of a not-too-long hike (Briksdalsbreen...when I went there last the glacier went all the way down and into the lake):

[the infamous waterfall-spray bridge]

[Leona gleefully wiping her face after the waterfall-spray bridge run]

We went up to the cabin for a short picnic and pick-up of a small trampoline and ate some cloud berries:

We went for trips to buy and stock up on food and other essentials, stopping to look at the big cruise ships when they were docked:

We drove to the nearest DMV (about an hour away, including a ferry ride on the route we took) so both Judge and I could take the driver's license theory test:

[one of the many gorgeous views along the drive]

[watching the ferry leave the other side]

[view from ferry]

We drove to that same town again as it is also the town with the nearest hospital so that Eliana could see a child cardiologist (the doctor at her 1-year check-up had heard an extra sound...thankfully it turned out that it was just the blood in the nearby arteries/veins and not anything that needs following up).

On all these trips either Judge or I drove, with my mom in the passenger seat, so that we could practice driving in Norway - driving lessons are expensive!

Other than that we hung out here in the village, enjoying way too hot weather, swimming in the fjord, working in the yard, playing outside. The girls totally love-love-LOVE hanging out with their mormor (grandma), which has also been great for me as it has allowed me naps in the mornings.

[at the dock/beach right down from our house]

We also had both my uncles and aunts come visit for a weekend each (my mom's older brothers and their wives). Both really wonderful visits - and a reason I love living here (being that it is still a natural gathering place for the extended family, and thus we don't have to travel anywhere yet still get to see them).

We had several projects:
- got rid of the broken dish washer and made the space into a little hiding-nook for the girls (here the play kitchen is in there, while now there's a lace curtain as well)

- gave away a lot of furniture that has sat in the annex over the garage for ages
- bought a second hand queen-sized bed for Judge and me and got it set up in the larger of the two bedrooms upstairs (where we all sleep still but in all our own beds...for the most part)
- bought a semi-high bed for Leona and got curtains set up for it (the bed has a pull-out desk that we have stashed away for now, as well as came with a set of drawers...just what we were discussing the room needed) - almost successfully had Leona start sleeping in it (first night slept until just after midnight before coming back to our room; second night nursed there and then decided she didn't want to sleep there after all...and that was that :P)

[basically the view from the house of the people we bought the bed from...]

[the girls LOVE it!]

Then there's been tons of berry picking:

[wild strawberries]

[wild raspberries]

[red currants...and black currants but no pic]

[goose berries]

[cherries...from the neighbor's tree]

[bilberries brought down from the mountain by my mom after a hike]

[now blackberries, and soon fruit from the trees in the yard - plums, apples and pears]

All in all a wonderfully chillaxed and peaceful summer, though at times toooo hot. As mentioned, it has been grand.

Now I'm left with the big task of editing all the photos, and subsequently uploading picture and video gems to Dropbox (in the folder I share with my sister). Yes, that's correct, this means we have Internet at home - another thing we ended up getting this summer, as we realized www access really is a life-necessity, and the one-year contract is worth it, especially seeing as we most likely will continue staying here for a while (after we ordered the subscription I found out we can transfer the contract to our new place if we do move...duh. I'm glad we didn't realize this earlier though, because the limited internet access the past five months has been freeing as well).

PS. Don't we live in a beautiful corner of the world?!

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LOOM!

Leona LOVES taking things and weaving and tying them to something else. String and pipe cleaners onto the back of chairs, on bags, basically anything that can be tied anywhere, she's on it like white on rice.

Yesterday, inspired by this post, I googled "DIY giant loom" for ideas, then stuck out to our back shed. This is one of the many, many benefits of living in the house my grandparents built some 25-30 years ago. That, and the fact that my grandpa was a realy handy man. The back shed is huge, and full of wood scraps...main purpose of which is for feeding the wood stove.

Looking around I found one perfect for the two planned feet, and one perfect for the top and bottom, then stumbled upon three rungs from the child-proofing gate that I had sawed off to fit at the top of the stairs, and realized they would be perfect for the sides. Found a saw, went to the annex above the garage where there is a work bench, and put my woodworking skills gained from helping my dad out at his shop over the years growing up to good use.

Found sandpaper in the basement, put in some good ol' elbow grease, hammer, nails, and screws, got some thick string, and the result was this beauty:

Ok, so on the very last step before completion (securing the right-hand foot) I successfully put my signature mark on it...meaning it is obvious it is home-made (it's a bit at an angle), but I can live with that.

Next morning I took an old, worn out pillow case that had a big tear in it, ripped it into rags, piled them by the loom as an invitation to explore. At first I wove two pices in as a starter, but Eliana got them out fast as fast can be, and I realized I liked that idea better - to let her discover it on her own and do it however she likes. In the future we can weave together, but for now, she is super keen on weaving and tying as it is, that I'm sure she will find a way that she is intent about.

When she came down she saw the loom and was quite excited. She layed it down and got two cars out and tried to let them run down the string...the cars fell straight through though, so she realized that wasn't going to work. She then started using it to build a 'house'. I realized it may take a while for her to discover the rags and then to think to weave and tie them, so I head up to bed for my morning nap (wake up way too early with Eliana).

When I came downstairs later, I found this:

She had found the rags and gleefully tossed them about (my mom had shared with me), and then found some wet-wipes and spent a long, concentrated while meticulously tying them onto the loom. I love it!

I'm going to make some more rags from different colored material, and have it in a felt 'basket' by the loom, and just have it available to her - I can't wait to see where it takes her, or where she takes it, I guess I should say.



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redefining my mediating role

[Double trouble]

I suddenly realized I have placed myself in a major mediator position between the girls, and not in a good way. I mean, I don’t ask them to share stuff they're playing with that the other one wants to play with to - never have, don't believe in 'sharing' by force - but I have enforced respecting of turns, and by doing so, I became the one they turned to when the other was doing something they didn’t like, instead of them working through it on their own with minimal help or mediation from me.

But I realized I was basically a step short…or a step too much?...compared to where I wanted to be. For example. Let’s say Leona’s playing with a red car, and Eliana tries to grab it. Leona would tell Eliana “It’s still my turn, I’m not finished!”, and of course Eliana wouldn’t listen, so Leona would turn to me and restate her facts. I would then block Eliana’s hand and say something along the lines of: “Leona is not finished yet, I can’t let you grab it. I see how badly you want it. You are upset you don’t get to take it. You can have it when she is finished.”

Eliana would do the same, if she was into something and Leona came and tried to butt in, Eliana would look at me, and I would ‘mediate’ to make sure Eliana could continue until she felt she was finished.

It made sense for me, that I needed to take on this role, as Eliana can’t hold her position against Leona, being as much smaller as she is, as well as that she couldn’t understand the concept of turn-taking yet so wouldn’t respect Leona’s limits.

But this made me the turn-to person rather than them working things out, obviously. So, I realized I needed to switch things up, turn them towards each other (not ‘against each other’!) and trust in their capabilities.

Now, when Leona tells me she is not finished, I ask her to tell Eliana. Sometimes she wants me to tell her, but I gently hold my ground. And I try to just neutrally confirm what’s going on (so doing it a step earlier rather than mediating and narrating that). “You both want the car. Leona took it from you [Eliana], you are not happy about that.” Or, yesterday they were reading the same book, and Leona wanted to read ahead, while Eliana didn’t (it was a cardboard-paged book, so non-rippable, this is key), and they were tugging back and forth a bit, keeping their hands on the pages or trying to force the pages to be turned, and I saw Eliana really able to hold her ground. And I sportscasted the standard “You both want to read the book. Leona, you want to turn the pages, you are getting frustrated that Eliana isn’t letting you.” Etc. And suddenly Leona found the solution. She told Eliana she was just going to turn the pages ‘like this’ (so they were pointing straight up), and this way they were both able to look at the pages they wanted to look at. And suddenly they were giggling and had made a game out of it, somehow.

I am finding this to be a recurring theme. They are figuring it out, and it often ends in them playing together. Not always, but often. It is so exciting, and uber facinating.

The above changes were light-bulbed after I read this article by Janet Lansbury Share… Wait your turn… Don’t touch… Playdate rules that limit learning (and what to try instead), which really got me to this article: Sibling conflicts: Guest post solutions from Lisa Sunbury.

So here’s to no more turn-taking, and instead the girls growing their relationship and problem solving/negotiating abilities, with me right by their side coaching them along and jumping in when necessary – with a new concept of what ‘necessary’ means.

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resigning from kindy before we even start

So, parenting is a super personal topic, and it’s easy to get into deep water when discussing parenting choices. Thus, before we get into the story of kindy, I want to emphasize that the opinions in here are purely personal and related to us; they are not in judgment of other parents’ choices. I believe we all make choices that are best for our families, whatever they may be. So there be it.

Our original plan has always been “for one of us to stay home with the kids until they’re at least three”. Coming to Innvik and not having many places to meet kids Leona’s age, we ended up applying for a kindy spot for the fall without having time to think it though first, as the deadline was sprung upon us day-of. After applying and getting a spot, we started visiting the kindergarten one to two afternoons per week for an hour or so each time.

We looked at these visits as both important social interactions as well as a slow getting-used-to-the-environment-teachers-and-kids for when she would start for reals, where we were thinking she would go in the morning and then I'd pick her up after lunch – unless she wanted to stay longer. The plan was if she wasn’t able to painlessly adjust, we would just reneg the spot, seeing as I’m at home with Eliana anyways. But we would give it a go at least, because she craves interactions with other kids (even if they only end up being visual the majority of the time), and those are not easy to come by outside of the school system here in this small village.

During the past almost four months of observing the kindergarten as well as Leona, we have now decided to not even give it a try; we will be handing in the ‘letter of resignation’ next week. When we finally made that decision, to just straight up pull out, it felt so good, so right, a sigh of relief, and I am actually surprised at how long we held on to the idea of at least giving it a try.

I know kids generally thrive there, enjoy themselves, are happy, learn a lot of important social skills and get a lot of important social stimulation. The teachers are really nice and have been extremely including and welcoming to us, and I fully enjoy their positivity and warmth.

But I also have seen that it is an unnecessary amount of all of the goodness (read: stimulation and social interaction) really, for kids Leona’s age and younger especially. They handle it fine, and are learning good coping skills. Sure. But for Leona, I don’t think it’s necessary for her to learn it all right now – there’s plenty of time to do so later, when she has an even stronger and more solid place to build from. I mean, since we have the opportunity – make the opportunity – for her to keep staying at home with me and Eliana, I don't feel the importance of kindy.

I also see the kids learn a lot of social behaviors that are not beneficial. Not that they are irreversible, but I think they’re not positive. And that is because there are so many kids (25 max) that there cannot be an adult present with each group that forms organically at all times, when they are playing outside. And they play outside a majority of the day, in their outdoor areas - from 10am onward except for during winter when it is after lunch and onward.

[A taste of what's available in terms of trike-action]

I strongly feel that kids Leona’s age and younger still need a lot of help, in their interactions, so that they learn to respect each other and not hurt each other. Not always, but often enough. They of course need space to try and figure things out on their own, but having an adult who can jump in when needed, before someone hits or bites or pushes someone else – or right after if things move too quickly – is important. To help them through the situation. And at kindy that is not possible. So I see kids learning that they only have to respect a peer’s loud cry, not a simple verbal ‘no’ or ‘don’t’, and from the other perspective, they are learning that their ‘no’ or ‘don’t’ doesn’t need to be respected.

I see kids who are not able to control their impulses yet repeatedly hurt other kids; this is especially true for the ‘biter’ in the group, and that he isn’t able to get the help he should during this developmental stage. Of course these things can be unlearned later, but…they’re unnecessary and unpositive.

I also see the younger kids being overwhelmed, stressed, overstimulated. Not all the time, but enough of the time that, again, is something I find to be unnecessary for Leona to have to cope with right now, especially seeing as she doesn’t thrive in crowds, even small ones.

I see a change in the kids when they’re around five (?). Increased confidence, increased social skills, though also increased – or purposeful – bullying in at least one that is not natural developmental stuff all kids do. I am unsure how the teachers approach and work with such bullying issues, and it would have been a question I brought up with them when I sat down to discuss this and other questions and concerns regarding ‘kindy and Leona’ prior to her start.

And then there is a part of the kindergarten schedule I feel is a bit much for Leona-as-a-three-year-old, and that it would be more fitting when she’s 4.5. It is their weekly village-walkabout, for the kids 3 and older, where they go on an all after-morning until afternoon walk to different places. I think it is a great activity, it’s not that, but for a kid as young as Leona, the stress of going somewhere ‘uncertain’, meaning not a routine same-place-every-time place, with a big group, the social interactions with other kids as well as adults and the pressure it brings with it, is too much for that age.

I discussed this (and all my other items of concern/contemplation) with one of my closest friends in Norway, who is the pedagogic manager for her department at a really leading edge kindergarten in Trondheim. She said the main point of complaints from their kids’ parents is that they wait to include the kids in this activity (it seems to be a widespread and common activity-type in Norwegian kindergartens) until the kids are well past the 4 year mark, basically for the reasons stated above. But many parents … people … in Norway have a deep and pressing relationship with (read: fixation on) the outdoors, and are proud to not let weather influence that relationship. That story’s for another day, though.

There is also the issue of sugar – cake or ice cream for birthdays, though I believe this is supposed to be curbed, it appears not to be completely. This of course would have been another point I raised with them if Leona was to start there. Sugar has no place in a kindergarten – the kids can have as much as their parents allow when they’re at home, imo.

And lastly there’s the financial aspect. Seeing as we are currently a no-income family, spending the NOK2,500 a month for a full-time spot (or NOK1,700 for a 3-day-a-week spot) is way outside our budget. Not that we wouldn’t do it if we felt it was right and best for Leona, because our savings could take the hit, but instead of spending this amount on kindy, we can take a portion of it and invest in educational stuff for our home, like a good quality play kitchen, more art materials when the stuff we already bought runs low, other education-quality toys, etc. This will not only benefit Leona, but also Eliana, and make it easier for me to keep them occupied and stimulated.

So my hope now is just that we will still be welcome to continue to come visit, like we have been doing. I think that it is actually enough for Leona, for her external peer-social stimulation, a couple hours a week. And if they say it is not convenient for them that we continue visiting (I doubt they will say it, but if), then at least we have made some connections with the kids her age already, and I have gotten to know some of their parents as I’ve met them around the village; one dad is even a boy who was in the ‘same’ class as me when we lived here when I was 9 (second and third grades were together a majority of the time; he was in second grade, I was in third).

Plus, we have such an awesome and comfortable routine that would get way-out-of-stress if we were to try and get her to kindy in the mornings. Seriously. Life is good. Despite my near-constant sleep-deprived state.

 

 

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